Almost nothing is immune from being transformed into a meme or parodied to ludicrous levels on the internet. One metal fan recently took aim at Iced Earth founder Jon Schaffer, who was arrested by the FBI following his documented participation in the insurrection at the U.S. Capitol Building on Jan. 6. The Flattened Earth parody project recently released “The Glorious LARP,” a spoof on Iced Earth’s The Glorious Burden album.
Released in 2004, The Glorious Burden was the first Iced Earth album to feature Tim ‘Ripper’ Owens and dealt with themes pertaining to military history throughout different eras and in various worldwide territories.
A number of the songs focused on U.S. military battles in particular, which presumably prompted this specific parody track, which mocks Schaffer’s participation in the riot that also led to the historic second impeachment of then sitting President Donald Trump.
“The Glorious LARP” (LARP stands for Live Action Role Play, where costumed participants portray fictitious scenes or re-enact historical events) lampoons Schaffer as beholden to internet conspiracy theories and subservient to a plan orchestrated by “our President of game shows,” an obvious reference to Trump’s many seasons spent hosting the reality competition show, The Apprentice, prior to his term as President of the United States.
The song, which captures the essence of Iced Earth’s signature sound — heavily palm-muted riffs with overarching melodies — also alludes to the six federal charges Schaffer now faces following his arrest, as well as the allegation that he was seen wielding “bear spray,” an aerosol canister used to deter bears in the wild in the event of a threat or attack.
The video description for “The Glorious LARP” states, “Flattened Earth is the world’s first historic reenactment band. It is NOT a tribute. We were inspired by the story of Jon Schaffer, Confederate flag guitar enthusiast and leader of mid-to-low tier metal band Iced Earth. Now that his band and the events at the Capitol are history, this is our musical conception of his experience.”
Listen to the Flattened Earth song below and follow along with the lyrics.
Schaffer is currently awaited extradition to Washington D.C. from his home state of Indiana. Most recently, new video footage surfaced showing Schaffer among a group of rioters who charged Capitol Police officers while breaching a hallway, bear spray in hand, engaged in a verbal altercation.
Flattened Earth, “The Glorious LARP” Lyrics
On this day in history
Guided by the internet
A deep conspiracy
Our President of game shows
Conjured up the plan
We’ll march with flags and bear spray (bear spray)
Into the promised land
Finally I stand and fight
No longer just a pawn
Like my heroes white Jesus Christ
And the evil clown from ‘Spawn’ (and violate!)
Six charges brought against me
The FBI knows my name
There’s nowhere left to run
Everybody knows about my band
Our mighty insurrection did not unfold as planned
All I did was spray some cops with the bear spray in my hand
I wish my deeds were glorious like the martyrs by my side
To tase myself in the balls, have a heart attack and… DIE!!!
Now that I am a wanted man
There is just one way to fly
I must turn myself in to the FBI!!!
Flattened Earth, “The Glorious LARP”